Dreaming

'Let's go to have beef noodles. I know a shop which is famous for it along this street', as I enthusiastically led my colleague down the street.

We approached this rundown wooden shack with its low zinc roof  looking so out of place surrounded by modern shop lots and yet it so lively with customers having their meal, cooks preparing the dishes and waiters running up and down.

'Why don't we try this place instead of the corner shop down the road?', I asked my colleague and we made our way inside.

I counted my lucky stars as there were empty seats. Taking in the aroma of the boiling beef soup which was stimulating my saliva glands, I searched for the stall's owner to take our orders.....

Then, I opened my eyes, after all that walking and hunting for seats, I'd just turned 45 degrees from my initial sleeping position after hibernating post-call. Haih.....I was so close to having beef noodles and I could actually smell it!

That was how I started my 4 days leave for Chinese New Year with such a funny dream post-call. Hahahahahaha. Beef noodles anyone?

Gong Xi Fa Cai and may the year of the rabbit bring good luck to everyone!

A reminder for myself

Dear Noreen,

I know that life is difficult for you at the moment. The long and frequent on-calls, the ever darkening and enlarging dark circles below your eyes, the fatigue and absolute absence of social life. You might have lost your motivation, you might have forgotten your aims and dreams, you might be in despair.

This is a reminder for you. A reminder which you sorely need now.

Remember the time when you talked to seniors while you were going through your rotations before the end of medical school? One of them encouraged you to go for the MRCP as early as you can and take it seriously. Even if you end up failing the first time, at least you will know what to prepare for the next opportunity. This is your ticket to escape the cycle, to specialise, to climb up the ladder. Remember that you'd wanted to do whatever you can to avoid ending up as a chronic MO in Malaysia?

Do you remember your childhood dream? You've only accomplished 15% of it. The whole world is still out there waiting for you to explore. Europe is such a small area. There's still the big continent of US waiting for you to set foot in it. One of your dreams was to do your sub-specialisation there so that you can explore even more!

Do you remember that you adopted most if not all the advises on becoming a millionaire? Not only that you were courageous enough to think that becoming a millionaire might be within easy reach of you due to the ever shrinking value of currencies, you thought that you should aim higher towards billions instead. One key point that you must remember is: Millionaires are willing to suffer first as they're fighting for freedom, not comfort or financial stability. Remember, all the effort that you've invested will eventually bring you nearer to your goals.

I wished that I hadn't gotten this foresight. This difficult and winding road that I've chosen at present. I can see myself turning into you. Turning into the you who's slowly losing your motivation, giving up your dreams, choosing the easy way out than staying on fighting.

I am repainting all your aims and dreams again. This is a reminder to you. A reminder which you can come back to read over and over again as it will not expire.

All the best to you. You can do it!

Love,

Noreen of the present

Choosing my path

It's been 24 years down this challenging trail, going through all the ups and downs. One day, I stumbled upon this small little side road with a sign post pointing towards 'Alternate Path', too eye-catching to be missed, anticipated yet avoided as much as possible. It had appeared too soon, far too soon.

I wished I could see what future each path held, wished that I could compared the two, wished that my heart wouldn't be so weighed down by this life changing decision that I have to make now. It's too early, too early for this important decision. Will I be happier if I strayed and followed this small little path? Will I regret if I stayed on the main path? To answer the first question, I would have to first define what is happiness to me, which till now, is still intangible. To answer the second would be more difficult as the grass is always greener on the other side. Better be contented with what I have now. Maybe regret once in a while.

In the end, I chose to stay on the main path. To continue on even though I foresee difficult times ahead. Well, no one can guarantee that the little alternate path wouldn't contain difficulties. The moment I passed this little path, persevering on as the distance grew between us, a huge weight lifted, my heart felt lighter, those sleepless nights thinking of the decisions, those times that I tried weighing up the potential future of both, those long discussions with others, the persuasions and advices of many.....Haih, how much have I bore them? How many times have I changed my mind?

At least the decision has been made. Another part of the world is waiting for me.

Now, in preparation to search for my meaning of happiness, let me first revisit my castle in the sky and recall those childhood dreams.

Diary from the future

Dear diary,

Can’t wait till I finish this research article of mine. Hopefully it’s going to bring me closer to wining the Nobel prize. I still don’t understand myself. How can I live in such contradiction of constantly wanting to win the Nobel prize and yet dream about retiring in every single dream? At least I’m living comfortably now. I’ll have to remember to go to the lawyer’s firm this Friday to sign those documents. Really need more brain cells to remember what properties I’ve bought and what installments are due. Glad that I’ve sold off most of that share before the US market crashed the other day.

Next week is Mama’s birthday and I haven’t got the time to pack yet. At least I’m off for 2 weeks. Now I can tick off Taiwan from my list of places to travel. Need to give all of them a call but I think the two old people are out jogging at this hour and M might be sleeping after her lecture. Aiyo, how can she end up being so similar to me? Sleeping at this hour. I miss those days. Maybe I should take a nap too. Hahaha. But my article….it’s due too soon. Haih….I need to go on this holiday. Noreen, go do work! 

Wonder if the renovation of the new house is going well. Papa kept on saying that the kitchen was all right but I thought a bigger kitchen would be more comfortable to cook in. Plus, he’s still trying to perfect his fishball recipe. I’ve lost track of how many years has it been. He’s been more adventurous with his cooking since his retirement. So happy that I get good food when I’m at home.  At least my 2 share consultants have got something to occupy themselves over the weekend when the share market is closed.

Now, to gather any remaining motivation to finish this stupid article. 

Love, 

Noreen from the future

2010

Hello 2010. I wished I knew what you have installed for me this year. 2009 was a mixture of excitement and stress and I do hope that 2010 wouldn't be as stressful and exciting but I have a feeling that I will get more than what I am bargaining for.

What do I want to achieve this year? Hmmmm......

Grasp the opportunity whenever it comes my way to try new things


Make time to engage with my inner self but not falling asleep after being too relaxed.

Making sure that that I see no regrets when looking back at my shadows.

Smile and laugh, even in the middle of falling.

Gather enough momentum, not only to get back up on my feet, but to leap.

Learn how to stand on my own feet, or when things are difficult, own foot and not quaver.

I foresee that 2010 will be contained with much more excitement. More decision making. Much more growing up to do. I will survive!

Happy New Year to all my readers!!! Are you all still keeping your new year resolutions?

When did the dreams stop?

How did all the dreaming stop?

When did I start growing up?

What happened to all the chasing?

Where did the forgotten dreams go?

Why is this happening to me?

Who am I without dreams?

Written when the author's brain was too active in the middle of the night to help induce sleep

Vivid dreams

When people say make your dreams come true, they are just assuming that every dream is positive, what you wish would happen, what you've always yearned for, etc. But I do not wish for what I dreamt last night to happen in real life.

It all started with me, M and PL carrying our bags and rushing onto a train which was supposed to start moving in less than a minute. We tried looking for a place to sit but it was too crowded. Suddenly M said she forgot to buy our tickets. So, we had to catch the next train.

We made our way to the ticket counter, bought our tickets and was making our way to an empty bench when I spotted the post office. I have this craze for stamps and first day covers so I dragged the both of them with me.

M wanted to buy different values of stamps as she likes the different designs, but somehow the guy at the counter said he's not allowed to sell them like that. So, M was disappointed. Then it was my turn, and I asked if he had first day covers, or stamp collections for sale, and also 2 stamps for posting international postcards. He took out this massive stack of them and I happily started choosing.

When I wanted to pay, he suddenly asked for my passport to confirm my identity. So, I placed it on the counter. While waiting for him to check and take a photocopy of it, M suddenly just reminded me to watch out for my bag which I had left on the ground a few steps away from our group(I never do this in real life). I glanced up to see if he's finished and the next thing when I glanced down to check on my bag, it was gone!

I looked at M in disbelieve and started to panic. We frantically search for the police station and luckily, managed to find a lady officer who could speak English. She said she would follow me to the scene to question any witnesses there. All that time, I was just scolding myself for being so stupid and hoped that my bag would be found. I was thinking of all the money in my pouch (which I normally wear around my waist but I don't know why did I leave it in my bag), how was I going to survive the next 3 days without money, clothes, toiletries, etc, and where did I leave my passport again? Oh no! I haven't collected it from the post office in my panic with the disappearance of my bag.

So, the police officer and the three of us went back to the post office. Luckily my passport were still on the counter. I would have strangled myself if I'd lose that...........

The dream ended here and I woke up. It was so vivid that it took me a while to wonder why was I sleeping on my comfortable bed at home and not in a hotel on a trip, and what had happen to my bag. Phew, luckily it was only a dream. I wouldn't be so careless in real life.

I came to conclude that the more I sleep, the more vivid my dreams are. Maybe it's an indication that I'm sleeping too much these days.

Two ends of a spectrum

I admire people who can say 'I have a dream'. At least there is only 1 dream and they can focus on achieving it.

For me, I have two dreams one quite impossible and the other almost impossible, both at each end of the spectrum.

Dream 1: To be the first Malaysian to win the Nobel prize

Nobel Museum in Stockholm. The winner gets a Nobel Prize Diploma, Nobel Prize Medal, and cash award which fluctuates each year depending on the interest rate but currently it is 10 million SEK. The prize giving ceremony is held on the 10th of December each year as it is the anniversary of Alfred Nobel's death.

Fame, prestige, and wealth. These three shouldn't be the main reasons why I want to win the Nobel prize but maybe it is. However, the chances of me achieving this is quite impossible. At least there's 6 areas to compete in:

Physics: Invent a time machine
Chemistry: Invent pure energy which does not produce any waste products
Medicine: Invent a cure for cancer
Literature: Revolutionize the way of writing
Peace: Fight for the vision where every part of the world is a place where we can feel safe in
Economics: Accurately predict the trend of evolving economics

Will I be able to achieve any of the above? Only time will tell.


Dream 2: Retire rich and young

Without having to worry about money, I would go travel around the world, blog about my travels, and share my experiences with my readers, invest part of my wealth to create more.

However, by the time I can start working, I'll be almost 25. That's already a quarter of a decade. Most probably I'll spend most of my life working as a doctor and trying to get rich in the meantime.

I know some of you will be thinking that there's many ways of getting rich and retiring young, like marrying a rich husband, strike lottery, etc. but how likely will that happen in real life? There is also the illegal way of getting rich but let's not go there.

Another thought is, what defines happiness? The idealist will think that happiness has nothing to do with money, but to buy even the bare necessities, money is involved. Like what Maslow's hierachy of needs says, in order to reach our full potential, we have to first fulfill the basic needs from physiological, safety, love/belonging, esteem before we can reach self-actualization. Nobody can exhibit self-confidence and maintain relationships if they have to worry about filling that stomach and where to sleep that night. Therefore, to me, money is very important if not the most important factor in determining happiness.

Let me end by sharing this poem 'The Road Not Taken' by Robert Frost with you.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

I guess if I can't decide, I'll just start a new path and take a new road. Hopefully I don't come across obstacles which I can't cross and make a U-turn back to the same old junction where I'm standing right now.

Gong Xi Fa Chai!

Happy Chinese New Year!

It is so different celebrating it in the UK compared to back home. Over here, there isn't any festive mood, no sound of any Chinese New Year songs, no decorations at shops etc. I miss visiting relatives on the first day where I get to collect a lot of Ang Pows!

JPA had been really kind to us. They banked in the top up for September and October's allowance yesterday. So, it's their Ang Pow for us. So, in order to show my appreciation, I'll put in more effort in studying. (I hope that I can accomplish this)

Oh ya. Finally, I received my keyboard!!!! I really love it a lot. It's Casio CTK-810. The latest model from Casio. It was released this year and it only weighs 4kg, which is really light for a keyboard, yet it contains sooooo many functions. I haven't experimented with all of them yet but I will eventually.

It was this Tuesday when I just went to the porter's lodge to check for any mail. I wasn't expecting the keyboard to arrive so early as the website mentioned that it takes about a week. Then, I saw that huge box at the porter's lodge.

I happily carried it back to my room. It is a really huge box but I managed to carry it under one arm as it was really light for its size.

My beloved keyboard

Now I wished I had a much bigger room. There wasn't space on my table and it is occupied by my books, laptop and table lamp. So, next available space: my bed.

Come to think of it, I should have bought this earlier on. Then will I have more time to play. It had touch response, midi and computer connection, over 500 types of tones. More than what I hoped for.

Tuesday: played for 1/2 an hour because got pbl to rush for Wed.
Wed: played for 4 hours straight.

Sadly, after not playing the organ or piano for such a long time, my skills have becomed really rusty. I am crazed about One Republic's song, Apologize. Managed to find the chords and melody by ear. Played my own version for a while, then I wanted to play the actual version.

The best place to learn - YouTube. There are so many tutorials posted there where they teach you how to play the actual version. Most of them are home production, but one of two were very professional where they used software which can show which keys are pressed. The song is easier than expected. So, for you all out there who are interested in attempting this song on your own, just go to YouTube and search for it. Good luck with that!

To continue chasing this dream or give up?

Recently, there was an advertisement on a Japan exchange programme for 2 Liverpool students to conduct their electives in Japan with all expenses paid for. It is really tempting and since coming across this advert, I kept on day dreaming about it.

It will be conducted where 2 Japanese students will act as hosts during the 4 weeks of electives in Japan in the month of July, and they will follow you back to Liverpool for their 4 weeks of electives in August where you will act as their host.

I mean, I wouldn't mind bringing them around UK as I am keen on exploring the country myself. I am so curious about Japan too as I haven't been there before. Plus, I'm really into anime, Japanese movies, etc. Hear and seen so much from the media but to be there yourself, what a new experience it will be.

The dilemma is, I haven't been back last summer, and I will be away from home for 2 years this coming summer. Do I miss home? Hmmmm....difficult question.

Come to think of it, would the Japanese student want a Malaysian to bring them around UK? With the language barrier, will I be able to do much over in Japan? Most importantly, am I wasting my time putting in effort in applying for this?

Haven't been to Japan. I was actually at Japan Fair in Manchester last year with Pei Lian

I was on the verge of giving up after considering all these factors last night. But my heart still didn't want to give up. So, I dropped by the Division of Haematology this afternoon after meeting my convenor for SSM5 to enquire about the application.

My hope lifted when the lady in-charge of advertising told me that she didn't see why can't International students apply for this as well. The documents which I need to submit were just a covering letter and my CV. Later on, the selected applicants will be called for an interview.

This got me thinking really hard. I was happy that there was a chance, even if it was a slight one that I might get it. However, if I really did, then I don't know when will I be able to see my family, when will I get to eat Malaysia food, when will I be able to get pampered at home, the list just goes on. There will be problems of accommodation in August, when I get back, will I be able to survive in a place where I cannot really communicate easily for 4 weeks? Am I capable of becoming a good host?

So many things to think, so many dreams to dream about as well. Should I chase this dream? Or should I just give up? I think for the time being, let me sleep first, think later.