The first step

I'm still wondering if it was the right thing to do. Sometimes things won't progress if I start thinking too much.

The first step is always the hardest. Looking at that calm lake, thinking if I should dip my foot into it to test water. What if there's piranhas swimming underneath where I couldn't see? Most of the time, I would just walk past that lake thinking that it would be wiser not to take that risk. However, there was always this huge curiosity which sometimes is enough to kill me while I tried to pry my eyes away from the waters.

In the end, I was surprised at the amount of time it took for me to decide. I ended up not just dipping my foot to test waters then slowly proceed with caution, but jumped straight in with a splash. No more walking away, it's time to swim till I reach the next shore. Hopefully I don't drown in the process.

Choosing my path

It's been 24 years down this challenging trail, going through all the ups and downs. One day, I stumbled upon this small little side road with a sign post pointing towards 'Alternate Path', too eye-catching to be missed, anticipated yet avoided as much as possible. It had appeared too soon, far too soon.

I wished I could see what future each path held, wished that I could compared the two, wished that my heart wouldn't be so weighed down by this life changing decision that I have to make now. It's too early, too early for this important decision. Will I be happier if I strayed and followed this small little path? Will I regret if I stayed on the main path? To answer the first question, I would have to first define what is happiness to me, which till now, is still intangible. To answer the second would be more difficult as the grass is always greener on the other side. Better be contented with what I have now. Maybe regret once in a while.

In the end, I chose to stay on the main path. To continue on even though I foresee difficult times ahead. Well, no one can guarantee that the little alternate path wouldn't contain difficulties. The moment I passed this little path, persevering on as the distance grew between us, a huge weight lifted, my heart felt lighter, those sleepless nights thinking of the decisions, those times that I tried weighing up the potential future of both, those long discussions with others, the persuasions and advices of many.....Haih, how much have I bore them? How many times have I changed my mind?

At least the decision has been made. Another part of the world is waiting for me.

Now, in preparation to search for my meaning of happiness, let me first revisit my castle in the sky and recall those childhood dreams.

2010

Hello 2010. I wished I knew what you have installed for me this year. 2009 was a mixture of excitement and stress and I do hope that 2010 wouldn't be as stressful and exciting but I have a feeling that I will get more than what I am bargaining for.

What do I want to achieve this year? Hmmmm......

Grasp the opportunity whenever it comes my way to try new things


Make time to engage with my inner self but not falling asleep after being too relaxed.

Making sure that that I see no regrets when looking back at my shadows.

Smile and laugh, even in the middle of falling.

Gather enough momentum, not only to get back up on my feet, but to leap.

Learn how to stand on my own feet, or when things are difficult, own foot and not quaver.

I foresee that 2010 will be contained with much more excitement. More decision making. Much more growing up to do. I will survive!

Happy New Year to all my readers!!! Are you all still keeping your new year resolutions?

Where did all the fun go?

When did studying started becoming a chore? When did I start hating school? When did studying become a must and not a choice made from free will?

Nowadays it's rushing for datelines, meeting the grades, achieving the minimum in order to proceed to the next stage. The unwanted pressure + stress + guilt + restrictions that is packaged with it. Does that sound fun to you? To me, guilt from the lack of motivation and not doing any homework or revision is the worst among them.

When we were kids, we learned so much just through playing. We played all day and night. I especially, was not very keen on sleeping as chasing after creepy crawlies in the night time seemed more interesting. That of course, wasn't making my parents very happy.

School then started. Kindergarten was practically a playground for me. Even then, it was 90% of play time and 10% of doing homework. I skipped happily to school each weekday as I will be able to meet so many friends to play with. As the last bell rang, I would feel sad as I couldn't bring my friends back home to continue our game. Homework was fun for me as it became a hobby to collect the different stamps teachers stamp on your workbook once you've completed it. There were dance classes, PE lessons, recess times. I felt that learning was effortless at that time as my brain absorbed everything so quickly.

Soon, a few years into primary school. Studying didn't seem enjoyable anymore. Everyone was graded based on their results. The whole study process became so exam orientated and every single student were judged based on just one single criteria - academic achievement. Thus, the fear and embarrassment from not performing well became more apparent.

It was in Standard 3 that I told my first lie. I told my dad that I got the top 3 in class whereas in actual fact, I was placed at number 8. How guilty I felt! The lie didn't last very long as I made my father promise not to scold me before I revealed it. My life long hatred towards the Chinese language began as well. I started to hate it as I gave up trying to catch up with everyone else but at the same time, struggled with the frustration and disappointment for another 6 years.

Since then, the fun kept decreasing as years go by. Even with the joy and rewards that came with achieving good results, the fun just didn't return.

Will it ever return? I have no idea but I will always welcome it with open arms. Will the time come when I can say that studying is fun?

Reunion after such a long time

How long has it been? I think it has been a long 7 years since the last time 3 of us were together in SMK Konven St. Cecilia in Sandakan. It had been such a long time yet it seemed like just yesterday when we met up to do our school project or attending classes on weekdays. The fact that none of us changed that much did helped with the feeling of 'it seemed like yesterday'.

JV and A. Maybe hair longer a bit but other than that, still exactly the same!

Of course I'll need personal photos with each of them.

It took A to graduate from US, JV to be studying in Peninsula Malaysia in a small town called Seremban, which wasn't too far away from Kuala Lumpur, my parents who willingly became my chauffeur and map reader, and all 3 of us to be free for this reunion to happen. So glad that it did cause it'll be extremely difficult in future.

We had our day's out at Jusco Seremban. I didn't even realise that we were all wearing pink. Pink must be in season now. Had lunch, shopped, even did some grocery shopping. Happy to see you gals and may we meet again soon. I think it'll most probably at someone's wedding. Remember to send me invitation card!

Comfort Zone

There are times when I wonder if I would have matured earlier or 'grown up' faster if I were to do my undergraduate degree in Malaysia.

The first thing which came to my mind was driving. I always thought that if I was studying back home, I would have become a steady driver by now. Over here, it's so expensive to get a British driving licence, what more buy a car when the car insurance can be more expensive than the car. If I were in Malaysia, I wouldn't have to worry about all these as I can borrow the family car at any time. It is so different from the situation here as we cannot just simply borrow a car. You have to specifically buy a car insurance to insure a specific driver for a specific car. Renting a car is something I dreamed of doing but dare not take the chance. Sometimes I do regret that I never master my driving skills properly. If I did, I might be more mobile. I am a timid person, which I hate sometimes.

I think I'm only qualified to drive this car

Thinking about financial wise. I have this concept all the while in my head that only working adults dealt with the bank. I used to follow my parents to the bank when they needed to deal with finance. It was only when I came to the UK that I had to open my own bank account, deal with the bank and manage my own finance. What I can say is, money is everything in every part of the globe. Sadly, nobody can live without money. Even if you had tremendous talent or passion for a subject, no university will accept you if you cannot afford it. Some might argue that you can apply for a scholarship. But think about it, a scholarship is also made up of a sum of money and not everyone is lucky enough to obtain one.

Feeling happy and secured in my comfort zone

I guess living away from home, I've taken a really big step to move out of the comfort zone. It was really difficult for me at first, as I wasn't used to worry about the grocery, accommodation, transportation, etc when I was staying at home. It was a luxury having parents to worry about you, take care of you, becoming your chauffeur (or human GPS plus driving instructor), opening a fully stocked fridge at all times, sitting in an air-conditioned car to be chauffeured everywhere, and mostly being pampered at home. Those were the good old days. I guess I might grow up faster in some areas with parental support but I did mature more when I was on my own over here.

I realised that I had to be responsible for every decision I make. Unlike in the past, I could just run back to my parents if anything went wrong. Home is like halfway around the globe now and it will be impossible to 'run back' even if I wanted to. Even if I encountered a financial crisis, I'll have to wait at least 5 working days for my parents to transfer money to me. It's not as easy in the past when I just had to open my mouth to ask and my parents will just give me what I needed right away. Another thing is looking after my own safety. I do sometimes forget that this world is not as safe as it looks on the surface until I encounter some episode which just throws me back into reality along with a harsh reminder. I do miss that comfort zone sometimes but I am glad that breaking out of it has made me a stronger person.
As the saying goes, we depend on family when we're at home but on friends when we're away. I am proud to say that I am lucky to have so many good friends to depend on.

Retirement is sweet

I know people who still have that sense of longing when they retire, the reluctance of handing over their position and work to the next generation. But to me, I don't feel any of this at all.

The AGM has just ended and I handed over my secretarial post of Liverpool Malaysian Society to the new committee. The feeling of the heavy burden lifted off my chest was more than sufficient as a reward to all the hard work, worries, frustrations, cutting down on watching Anime and movies, indigestion from late meals followed by immediate bed time to maximize the minutes of sleep I can get, the list goes on.

Thinking back, if I could foresee what I would have to go through before I stood for the secretarial post, I think I would have chickened out straight away without a second thought. I won the election by just 1 vote and sometimes I wished that someone should have changed his/her mind and voted for my competitor instead.

The journey has been a roller coaster. Most of the time was spent struggling to reach the top. There were moments when I was happy when things were going well. There were times that I realised how few friends I had. There were times when I felt motivated by all the support and encouragement given. But most of the times, I was busy worrying and feeling so frustrated over something. Was it worth it? I still cannot decide.

I failed miserably in multi-tasking and balancing my work and play. My results for this year did suffer badly and I am just hoping that I can pass the year. At least from now on, I can concentrate on catching up and focus all energy into studying. In the end, it's still the results that matter most.

I always had this thought behind my head every time I was asked to do society work. No matter how hard you contribute, you can only put a line in your CV saying that you've held this post in Malaysian society. Most of the time, your hard work is not even recognised by members. It's really disheartening that you organise something, or you ask for support and nobody gives you that. You drafted an email in your most sincere thoughts to thank people who has supported you only to let that email be sent in another person's name. Therefore, what's the use of putting in so much effort? But I always end up doing so much as I cannot go against my conscience. So, the cycle starts again with the lack of sleep, lack of food, not doing homework properly...... Some can just do so little and still get the name at the end of the day. Is life unfair? Yes. Was I a stupid fool? Yes. Do I still care about that email? I tried very hard not to, but I still feel sad about it. I wasn't even mentioned in it. This thought will be buried in this entry and forgotten.

I cannot deny that I got something in return. I've learnt that nothing is easy. The experiences of rejection and frustrations have made me a stronger person. I am more confident in dealing with people. I read emails properly now as I know how disappointing it is when people don't give the emails you've written a second glance. I realised how hard it is to get people's support. I know that running a society isn't an easy thing to do.

Now, I can close this chapter of my life and wash my hands clean. I can only give my best wishes to the new committee and hope that they'll fare better. I am still recapping for the 10th time, the moment I handed over that thick folder of document and CD. Retirement is sweet and I can't wait to retire from my medical career even before starting it.

Slowly fading away

Another day, another introduction,
I start with a Hello and a smile.
Along with it, carries a hope that you will remember,
That is how it is, everyday.

It has become a routine,
I cannot remember when it started.
Searching for a sign of recognition,
I could never find it.

It pains my heart,
Knowing that you've forgotten me.
Seeing you living contently,
I have learnt to accept it.

......

I was watching the tele,
When I felt someone approaching.
Hello she said,
as I turned around to return her greeting.

Her sad little smile caught me off guard,
Why does she look so sad?
Too polite to ask a stranger,
I kept that little thought in me.

Do you remember me?
She asked with a quiver in her voice.
I stopped to think,
'No, I think this is the first time I've met you.'

......

Holding back my tears,
I hope that I didn't worry him.
I brought along an old photo album today,
Hoping that it might help him remember.

It contained the story of his life,
Dated from the day granddad bought the camera.
It tells the story of important events,
From childhood, to marriage, till his encounter with me.

I started from the first page,
The section of black and white.
He remembers!
Excitedly, he narrated the stories behind them.

......

Oh! My old photo album.
I haven't seen them in a long time.
It seemed like yesterday,
When all these things happened.

I started telling stories,
She was really interested in them.
It brought back so many memories,
The good, the bad, hallmarks of my life.

I flipped another page over,
Now the photos are coloured.
Then I started having difficulty,
Recalling the events when it was taken.

......

My hopes left me,
His condition has deteriorated from a month ago.
The last time we went through the album,
He did not have any problem till pages after.

He stopped at the 8th page,
Which was the day he married.
The bride, looking lovely in white,
With him, looking smart in tuxedo.

'Was I married?' he asked,
'She looks really lovely.'
I didn't know how to answer him,
My strength all focused on holding back the tears.

......

I must have been married,
The groom is definitely me.
She is so lovely in that white dress,
I wished I could have remember that moment.

I flipped over another coloured page,
What greeted me was this photo of two,
It was the picture of the beautiful lady with a baby in her arms,
She was smiling so happily to the person who took the photo.

I felt a strong sense of love,
And a feeling that I should have remembered them.
I went through the other photos,
Showing that little girl growing up.

It started with her being so tiny,
Then sitting up, crawling, and walking.
She went to kindergarten and to school,
Suddenly, I realised she looked very familiar.

I turned to look at my visitor,
No doubt, she is that little girl in the photo.
Are you my daughter?
She nodded in reply with tears streaming down her face.

I was losing a piece of myself each day,
Bit by bit, without even realising it.
I was slowly fading away,
Heading towards nothingness.

This entry was inspired by someone I saw who is suffering from Alzheimer's disease. I just hope that none of us have to go through any of this.

Jack of All Trades vs Master of One

I do envy people who excel in all sorts of aspects. These are the lucky people who have realised their talents and have worked hard to nourish them. How nice if I had a skill or talent which I can be proud of?

Sadly, I am one of the species of Jack of all trades. I cannot even be proud of that as my knowledge and skills are so limited! If I had the ability to know a lot, at least I can excel at being the best Jack of all trades.

Life is unfair at times. Society will only allow the person who excels in something to stand out from the rest - the Masters of One (or many for those really gifted and hardworking ones).

You can't escape that competition to stand out no matter how hard you try as people are judging and comparing you to others throughout your whole life.

Compare and compare. We do it all the time. The person who does something best will be identified soon enough. Here is the start of all the envy, jealousy, low self-esteem, admiration, motivation, yearning to be like others.

What about the Jack of all trades?
You can do that? I can do that as well. Nothing to be envy about. Agree?

I don't think so.

I envy people for things I don't have. I will envy a Jack of all trades who knows more than me. In other words, I will envy people who are better than me. Of course, I will be dazzled by Masters of One cause they're so good at it.

I know friends who don't feel that they're special but they are so wrong. It is always difficult to realise and identify your own ability which you're good at. The thing which we always forget is that even your personality, way of thinking, interpersonal skills, etc. can be the object of someone's admiration. It is not always about the physical appearance, what grades, what qualifications, what property you own that can make others envy. I don't know about you, but I envy people for so many things. Sometimes, they just need that little push on their backs to build up their confidence.

I can say that I am greedy in that I want to have all these qualities that others have and I'm trying to learn from them. If I was so contented, I wouldn't think that I would go far in life!

Everyone is special, that I believe. You just need to realise that and be more confident in yourself. Plus, at the same time, work on other aspects which you lack. That's the only way we can improve.

I would like to change how society works, still worshipping the Masters of One and neglecting the Jacks of all trades, but that change will never happen. What can we do?

• Try our best to make the most out of life
• Receive all criticisms with an open mind
• Improve, improve and improve
• Set goals and work your way towards it. There is opportunity everywhere, you just need to find it
  
• Most importantly, live life without regrets

Now, back to studying but I doubt that I can see my results without regrets. Haih.....so much for all I've said.

Changing values in life

It is amusing how drastically can our own values change over time. This post will be about my childhood till present and how my values changed over that period.

While I was In Sandakan, Sabah....
Very young

When i was really little, say before going to kindergarten. 1st priority while going to the supermarket with my parents was to go to the toy department, chose a toy, go home to play. My infamous conversation while holding a new toy in one hand and pulling my mother's skirt with the other:

Noreen: 'Let's go home'

Mum: 'But I haven't even started shopping yet.'

Noreen: 'Let's go home' (so that I can start playing with my new toy)

Mum: 'Papa, you settle her'

So, the next scene of this routine will be at the bench outside the supermarket. Some days, I'll be busy playing with my new toy. Some days, I'll be eating ice-cream. My dad will be shaking his head looking at me. Ice-cream came into the scene when I ended up with too many toys at home that they couldn't fit into my toy cupboard anymore. By the time I finished the ice-cream, my mum will have finished her shopping. Next activity when I got back....play!

*****

Kindergarten

Kindergarten was a place for me to play, not study. I doubt that I'd learnt anything during that 2 years. School was a fun place where I got to see my friends, play, and the toys there were different from what I owned.

I was really quiet. I speak English at home and every single kid that went to class with me spoke a certain dialect of Chinese, mostly Hakka or Cantonese. One thing good about playing at that age is that, it is universal, you don't need a common language. I didn't know how, but I did pick up Mandarin in the end.

I used to go over to my neighbour's house to play the swing they had. We lived at the government quarters where the houses had legs and was suspended 1 storey above ground. (I don't have the photos with me) In the end, I asked my dad to make me one and he did! Loved that swing so much that I had to go on it everyday after school.
My house was a wooden house at that time, and there was a huge termite nest under the house, near my swing. Used to be so fascinated with them. I am a very cruel person when it comes to insects. Used to use a 'cangkul' to destroy the termite's nest and see them scrambling about.

It does look like rocks. And it is super hard. That's why I needed a 'cangkul'

I loved helping my dad clear the dry leaves and unclog the drain every once in 3 months. I could find at least 3 earthworms each time we did that together and my dad will give me some biology lessons. Like, if you cut the earthworm into half, it'll becom 2 earthworms! Or, the more earthworm there is, the more fertile the soil would be.
Playing with ladybirds and other insects seriously helped me learn about them a lot. Like, how the ladybirds had their defence mechanism where they secreted a fowl smelling liquid when they sensed danger. Hated that smell but still loved to catch them. Have never told my parents this, but I did earn some pocket money selling ladybirds to my friends. I didn't think it reached 5 ringgit even for my whole ladybird catching career.

*****

Primary School

Playing was still a big part of school life. The games were always either Catch, play getting married (if this was official...I think I'd lost count of the number of husbands I have), jump rope, 5 stones (but we increased it to 7), even fighting with the boys with long rulers.

Some how, studying wasn't as fun as before. There was pressure to get good marks for papers and there were competition going on.

This was the period where I was really crazy about Sailormoon. Used to borrow the video tapes and comin books. I had a collection of cards, stickers and even miniatures which I treasured a lot. My room was decorated with posters of Sailormoon characters.

The exact same picture of one of the posters I had. Now I'm wondering where did all of them disappeared to

*****

Secondary School
Studying was getting less fun. More subjects to study, more competition and more pressure to get good grades. However, this was the time when I was crazed about playstation I and started watching dramas. Initially, my memory was really good that I could remember all the storylines and endings of every drama which I've watched before. My mum used to ask me what was the ending cause she couldn't remember. Nowadays, I'm like my mum. Can't remember anything at all.

I loved Final Fantasy role playing game. Finished playing Final Fantasy IX and halfway through VIII. Gave up cause I didn't have time after Form 3. Totally stopped playing since I went to college and uni. I used to play the car racing game with my sister but this was really funny. Instead of racing against each other, she'll go the opposite direction to cause accidents to my 'opponents' so that I would win the race.

*****

I transferred to Kuala Lumpur at the end of Form 4. Started my final year of Secondary School in my mother's hometown but an unfamiliar place to me. I used to go back once a year to visit my grandparents, but to live there is a completely different story.

Gone were the days of slow-moving lifestyle I had in Sandakan. There was so much pressure in trying to keep up with the syllabus which they had covered in advance as compared to my former school. Students in KL were much more competitive and for a small town girl like me, it was over-whelming. I broke down into tears at lunch time after coming back from the first day of school as I was so scared that I couldn't catch up. My grandmother got a shock and my sister with her usual attitude, laughed at me for being a cry baby.

Study wasn't fun at all. I was bottom of the class for most subjects especially Additional maths and physics. No, that wasn't fun at all. The results for the first monthly test was a big blow to me. I practically begged the teacher not to announce the results and names when she was giving out the Additional Math paper...but.....

'Highest marks this time goes to A with a score of 100'
My jaw dropped.

'Second highest is B with 98 marks'

These people are crazy.

When it came to mine....it was 2 marks above the passing mark. I could predict that Form 5 will be hell for me.

I didn't have a life in Form 5. I didn't really fit in, and most of my friends already had their own cliques. I was lonely, depressed, stressful, and dreading school each day. But along the way, I managed to make a few really close friends. I studied like crazy cause there wasn't much to do anyway. I wasn't the type who'd go out every weekend to hang out at the shopping mall. There was only 1 shopping mall in Sandakan, if you can call that a shopping mall. I didn't go to cinema to catch the latest shows like what typical teenagers my age would do. Plus, I've never stepped into Coffee bean or Star Bucks at that time.

My first time stepping into Coffee bean, I was dragged there by M and H after they found out that I've never been into Coffee bean before and I treated them to coffee, which cost me about.....let's see...30+ ringgit. That was the time when we were preparing and buying things before we went to the UK. The 3 of us met up at M's second home - MidValley Megamall.

First time stepping into Starbuck was in Edinburgh, while my whole group of friends were waiting for the new year countdown in 1st year.

Reason why I'd never stepped into these places - the average of RM 10+ for a cup of coffee is way too expensive for me. Plus, I'm not a big fan of coffee.

Had my graduation, went for graduation ball. I think I might have looked like the odd one out as everyone wore really beautiful formal dresses, high heels, make-up with hair done up nicely. I went in really simple black shirt, black skirt, black shoes. No makeup cause I didn't have any. Nevertheless, I did enjoy myself and the food was delicious.

*****

College

While I was waiting for SPM results, I went to Taylor's college to start on A levels first. Taylor's was quite a distance for me and I had to travel 1.5 hours each way by bus. Hated travelling, but that was the only way I could go to college. I don't think I had any craze at that time as I wasted so much time on the bus and by the time I reached home, I was exhausted.

The unexpected
I was never the top student in my class, and this was seriously unexpected. It was my best achievement and it totally changed my life. I got top grades in all 10 subjects which I've taken. Until now, I still think that the examiner must have been lenient to me.

I didn't even know that I could apply for a scholarship until my chemistry teacher told me about it. I didn't even know how to apply for it. My poor mum had to asked her collegue what was this scholarship all about and she has to rush to the bank during her lunchtime to buy the application form as the dateline was in a week's time.

That was how I ended up dropping A levels and doing IB in Mara College Banting instead. There is still much story to be told. But I think I'll leave those to next time. It was the start of the anime and drama craze which I have been addicted till now.