The broken elastic band

A little girl pick up an elastic band found lying on the playground.
Happily, she starts playing with it, tugging and pulling, stretching it and watching it recoil to its original shape.
As she plays along, the harder she pulls, amazed at how much she was able to stretch it.
Suddenly, the band snaps and tip of it smacked her hand causing her much pain before it drops to the ground.

Gingerly nursing her injured hand, now left with a red mark, she bends to pick the broken elastic band with the other. Now it's just a useless piece of thin rubber. She tried to tie both ends together, but as soon as she starts to pull, the knot snaps off and she was left with another sharp pain. She then spots a dustbin at the side of the road and throws the broken elastic band away.

I feel like the broken elastic band. Please leave me alone and not stretch me beyond my limit.

Acceptance

Too bad nothing lasts forever,
That's better said than experienced.

Will there still be a place in your heart?
I think I rather not know the answer.

But no matter what the outcome,
I''m still glad that I've crossed paths with you.

It's all coming to an end

I can't remember if there was a time when I was satisfied with Time,
It always passes too fast or too slow and never just.... nice.

If I asked you what is 5 years to you, most would say that it is a long time,
But why is that Day One always feel like yesterday?

Time is too fast, when holidays are ending, when exams are approaching,
Time is too slow, when no holidays are approaching, when nothing is ending.

It seems so weird that I remember most clearly of everything not related to my main purpose coming here,
But of the friend I came to know, the places I've traveled to, the number of things that I've skived.

It's all coming to an end now, I still can't decide too fast or too slow,
But no matter what I decide, I'm anticipating the opening of the new chapter of my life.

A reminder for myself

Dear Noreen,

I know that life is difficult for you at the moment. The long and frequent on-calls, the ever darkening and enlarging dark circles below your eyes, the fatigue and absolute absence of social life. You might have lost your motivation, you might have forgotten your aims and dreams, you might be in despair.

This is a reminder for you. A reminder which you sorely need now.

Remember the time when you talked to seniors while you were going through your rotations before the end of medical school? One of them encouraged you to go for the MRCP as early as you can and take it seriously. Even if you end up failing the first time, at least you will know what to prepare for the next opportunity. This is your ticket to escape the cycle, to specialise, to climb up the ladder. Remember that you'd wanted to do whatever you can to avoid ending up as a chronic MO in Malaysia?

Do you remember your childhood dream? You've only accomplished 15% of it. The whole world is still out there waiting for you to explore. Europe is such a small area. There's still the big continent of US waiting for you to set foot in it. One of your dreams was to do your sub-specialisation there so that you can explore even more!

Do you remember that you adopted most if not all the advises on becoming a millionaire? Not only that you were courageous enough to think that becoming a millionaire might be within easy reach of you due to the ever shrinking value of currencies, you thought that you should aim higher towards billions instead. One key point that you must remember is: Millionaires are willing to suffer first as they're fighting for freedom, not comfort or financial stability. Remember, all the effort that you've invested will eventually bring you nearer to your goals.

I wished that I hadn't gotten this foresight. This difficult and winding road that I've chosen at present. I can see myself turning into you. Turning into the you who's slowly losing your motivation, giving up your dreams, choosing the easy way out than staying on fighting.

I am repainting all your aims and dreams again. This is a reminder to you. A reminder which you can come back to read over and over again as it will not expire.

All the best to you. You can do it!

Love,

Noreen of the present

The doctor that I wish to be

A doctor who does no harm to my patients.
Who takes necessary precaution and is extremely good knowledge wise and practical skills wise, especially the practical procedures.

'I'm sorry, I have not enough experience' will be rarely mentioned as I will be good at it the 2nd time round.
Regrets and guilt will be my reminder of this sole pledge for the rest of my life.

Remembering not the ones saved but those whom I failed to save.
This will be the burden that I will have to carry for the rest of my life.

Solely being caring will not make me a good doctor.
But being competent, safe and caring makes me the best doctor.

This memory from today, sadly, will be one of the many scars that will flash back from time to time.
I guess this will be the best punishment and reminder of the mistakes I make.

Think positive

The orange yolk in the sky slowly disappeared into the horizon.

I just felt really weird with the mixed feelings.

Those voices are still not leaving me alone.

I hate the darkness but at least they keep me company.

As I fell, you thought it was bad enough.

Somebody comes along and pour mud all over.

Think positive you say?

At least no one recognises the crippled me on the ground.

I just hate myself for not being able to stand up again.

But can I blame anyone? I just want to have a good cry.

You just came up to me with an outreached hand.

Too bad you're not the hero you think you are.

Could you please leave me alone?

I had this feeling for a long time.

Maybe I don't want to admit it.

Maybe I'm not the person you said I was.

I want to scream to release all the hatred.

But words are just not coming out.

Think positive she say?

'I'll scream on your behalf, but inside your head'

My thoughts are muddled enough.

But those damn voices, they kept getting louder.

Think positive he say?

I just want to sleep and never wake up.

Knowing too much might not be a good thing.

I know the quickest and most painless method.

Think positive they say?

I could easily end it all if I wanted.

Life

My sanctuary

I relaxed every muscle from top to toe.

Feeling more relaxed, I positioned myself at the very top of a flight of stairs.

I slowly descended the stairs, exhaling with every step I took.

I took my time, paying close attention to my breathing as I continued descending.

Soon, I approached a door. This door leads to my sanctuary - My secret escape.

I reached and turned the large door knob, a smile slowly formed.

As I opened the door, I could smell the salt in the air, the sound of waves greeted my ears.
I stepped into my sanctuary, the light sea breeze caressed my face, the soft sun warmed me.

I threw a few pebbles into the sea, each pebble represented my frustration, my stress, my anger, everything I wanted to get rid of.


When the last of my worries were discarded, I sat on my favourite spot.

I looked up and blue sky filled my vision. A sense of peace and calm washed over.

I feel recharged with new energy. It is time to go back.

I returned to the door, now ready to face any challenges.

But of course, my sanctuary will always be there for me.

A place where I can run to.
A place where I can escape.
A place where I feel at peace.
A place where I can return to.
As long as I need it, as long as I remember its existence.

Final lesson from CCT at Llandudno before we left this beautiful place - Self relaxation therapy

There was a time

There was a time, when I mustered up enough courage

To follow this path, not knowing where it will lead me.

I came across many signposts, some real, some merely mirages.

They tell me many things, but I was only naive.

The sky got darker, pebbles started to make walking difficult.

I stopped at this barren land, feeling hopeless and all alone.

I turned to every direction, only to see jagged stones.

But the footprints tell me, others have been here before me.

I looked into the distance, this little ray shone ever so bright.

As it catches my eye, I wondered how did I walk past without noticing it.

I looked at the pebbles, they seemed so small now.

I look ahead again, this time fully taking in the beauty.

Filled with renewed energy, I continued my journey.

Always reminding myself, never to lose sight of that ray of light.

Pictures taken at West Shore, Llandudno.

When did the dreams stop?

How did all the dreaming stop?

When did I start growing up?

What happened to all the chasing?

Where did the forgotten dreams go?

Why is this happening to me?

Who am I without dreams?

Written when the author's brain was too active in the middle of the night to help induce sleep

Concrete

Consciousness
Never have I been so afraid of waking up

Awareness
Never have I experienced such excruciating pain and humiliation

Terrified
Never have I been so scared of another human being

Cruelty
Never have I imagined that one can even enjoy do such things

Plea
Never have I cried so much for help and yet nobody cared

Live
Never have I thought I would lose the will of living

Death = End
Never have I wished to die so badly

Wouldn't it be much kinder?

Please tell me it is all a bad dream...

Inspired by Junko Furuta and the song Taion by The Gazette

Unexpected

Time has pass me by,

I thought I knew you better,
Thinking back the moment we said hi,
The differences we have, does it matter?

Relationships are always a puzzle to me,
Some straight forward, some unpredictable,
Each time, we're searching for the key,
To unlock with one deemed most suitable.

I was reminded of many things of the past,
Memories buried deep somewhere almost forgotten,
The first time I felt belonged with friends whom I trust,
But truth hurts, I was unarmed and badly bitten.

I curled into my 'safe' zone that instance,
Seeking shelter behind this invincible wall,
Only maintaining superficial acquaintance,
It is not worth risking another fall.

Time does heal, slowly I started involving,
The walls started crumbling, soon it was gone,
I learned to forgive, the guilt slowly dissolving,
I am willing to risk it again, to you I was drawn.

Friendships are such precious things,
The more we understand, the more we realise,
It is not what we expect, the differences it brings,
It will test our patience, how much we can compromise.

Hated myself for not knowing, what will I give to prevent,
Seriously shocked and devastated with this predicament,
Wished that it had not develop to this extent,
Can't there be forgiveness and reconcilement?

Conflict

Did I do the right thing?
Was I too late?
Why didn't I realise it earlier?
What should I do???!!!
Somebody tell me!
What if....Should I have.....the questions kept replaying in my mind.

Trying so hard to distant myself,
Not getting affected emotionally,
I won't be able to handle the situation effectively if I don't!
But those worries start haunting me as I lie in bed,
Drifting off to a troubled sleep.

Guilt, fatigue, worries, the unknown future,
Feeling so overwhelmed by all of them.
Someone told me that I shouldn't let this affect me this badly,
Should I kill all emotions and turn my heart to stone?

Heard some good news today,
I felt a rock lifted off one shoulder,
Breathed a sigh of relieve.
Hopefully everything will turn out ok.

Vicious cycle

Can't blame anyone but myself for not doing any work when I had the time.
What did I use that time for again? Movies, anime, going out, shopping, catching up with friends, everything but doing my homework.
Each and every time I wanted to start doing some work, the thought that I wouldn't be able to enjoy once the night is over manages to convince me that I should cherish this small opportunity to relax.
Relaxation gets out of hand, and I'll end up staying up late doing everything besides the work which needs to be done.

Eventually, the workload starts increasing.
Increased workload = increased stress
Body's natural reaction was to try and seek some relieve from comfort eating,
Which went out of hand and I started binging on every food I could find.
To the extent that I was already full from a proper meal, but just had to down more toasts with chocolate spread, cereal bars, yogurt, milk with cereal to the extent that I couldn't eat anymore.

Then the depression becomes worse once I realised how much unhealthy food I've eaten.
To add salt to the wound, my weight has increased so much just from that few binges.
Blame that weighing scale for revealing the effects.

Can't concentrate the next day due to lack of sleep, not from doing work but wasting time trying to escape from reality.
So tired that I become demotivated from trying so hard to fulfill requirements in that stupid portfolio.
Frustrated that I am limited to finding cases as required in the portfolio and missing out on interesting cases and opportunities.
Disappointed that no one seemed to care about my existence and gave up on trying to ask for help.

I hate myself.

Let me drown myself in self-pity before I pull myself back together and break free from this vicious cycle.

Crumbling

It was just an insignificant crack in the wall,
But never underestimate what stress and pressure,
Will eventually do to it.

That great wall stands tall,
Never budging even an inch,
Withstanding whatever that comes its way.

So strong externally,
Yet unnoticed on the other side,
Unseen corrosion has almost thinned it completely.

Thus, this small crack appeared,
Hardly noticed by anyone,
Thin lines running from it turning into thicker lines.

I can feel its desperation,
I can sense its suffering,
I can hear crumbling
.
.
.
that heart stopping silence
.
.
.
I closed my eyes and ears
.
.
.
felt the tremor below my feet, that gust of wind and dust
.
.
.
I knew it was already hopeless.

Breaking

Time will probably heal, that's what I thought.

When did I abandoned my dreams?

Picking up the shattered pieces of hope,

Wounding myself deeper each time I tried.

Betrayed by my own stupidity,

Let down by everything that's happened.

I've sinked into a bottomless pit,

Screaming my heart out yet it reaches no one.

The music keeps on playing,

Who cares about them anyway.

It's so much easier not having a heart,

No more feelings, no more tears.

I would gladly trade happiness,

Just to disappear from this cruel world.

Walking on a thin thread,

It is a matter of time before it breaks.

The sunray catches my eyes,

Time to face it all again.

Grey

Probably nobody will ever noticed the mask I put on

Since when did I become so good at it?

Living life without a meaning

Tomorrow is just a continuation of my sufferings



Overflowing anger

Overflowing disappointment

Overflowing sadness

Overflowing frustrations



I struggle to keep the demons inside but they're desperately fighting to get out
How much longer can I last? How much more can this body take?
My heart screams but no one can hear it
Will it ever end?

Hope was something which I've forgotten

Have I tried breaking free?

Is it possible for a person like me?

Someone who has been abandoned a long time ago


I have given up on everything
Everything except this precious memory of you
It was that day, when I finally heard it
And set my heart to escape from all these


One day I may be able to show you a real smile

A genuine smile, neither forced nor faked

That will be the day I come running back to you

Till then, take care.

Slowly fading away

Another day, another introduction,
I start with a Hello and a smile.
Along with it, carries a hope that you will remember,
That is how it is, everyday.

It has become a routine,
I cannot remember when it started.
Searching for a sign of recognition,
I could never find it.

It pains my heart,
Knowing that you've forgotten me.
Seeing you living contently,
I have learnt to accept it.

......

I was watching the tele,
When I felt someone approaching.
Hello she said,
as I turned around to return her greeting.

Her sad little smile caught me off guard,
Why does she look so sad?
Too polite to ask a stranger,
I kept that little thought in me.

Do you remember me?
She asked with a quiver in her voice.
I stopped to think,
'No, I think this is the first time I've met you.'

......

Holding back my tears,
I hope that I didn't worry him.
I brought along an old photo album today,
Hoping that it might help him remember.

It contained the story of his life,
Dated from the day granddad bought the camera.
It tells the story of important events,
From childhood, to marriage, till his encounter with me.

I started from the first page,
The section of black and white.
He remembers!
Excitedly, he narrated the stories behind them.

......

Oh! My old photo album.
I haven't seen them in a long time.
It seemed like yesterday,
When all these things happened.

I started telling stories,
She was really interested in them.
It brought back so many memories,
The good, the bad, hallmarks of my life.

I flipped another page over,
Now the photos are coloured.
Then I started having difficulty,
Recalling the events when it was taken.

......

My hopes left me,
His condition has deteriorated from a month ago.
The last time we went through the album,
He did not have any problem till pages after.

He stopped at the 8th page,
Which was the day he married.
The bride, looking lovely in white,
With him, looking smart in tuxedo.

'Was I married?' he asked,
'She looks really lovely.'
I didn't know how to answer him,
My strength all focused on holding back the tears.

......

I must have been married,
The groom is definitely me.
She is so lovely in that white dress,
I wished I could have remember that moment.

I flipped over another coloured page,
What greeted me was this photo of two,
It was the picture of the beautiful lady with a baby in her arms,
She was smiling so happily to the person who took the photo.

I felt a strong sense of love,
And a feeling that I should have remembered them.
I went through the other photos,
Showing that little girl growing up.

It started with her being so tiny,
Then sitting up, crawling, and walking.
She went to kindergarten and to school,
Suddenly, I realised she looked very familiar.

I turned to look at my visitor,
No doubt, she is that little girl in the photo.
Are you my daughter?
She nodded in reply with tears streaming down her face.

I was losing a piece of myself each day,
Bit by bit, without even realising it.
I was slowly fading away,
Heading towards nothingness.

This entry was inspired by someone I saw who is suffering from Alzheimer's disease. I just hope that none of us have to go through any of this.